


This feeling inside

by Andithiel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: As in ridiculously oblivious, Baking, Blow Jobs, Cooking, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, I think it was in that order, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of a fictional pandemic, Oblivious, Quarantine, bisexual awakening, flatmates, learning to play the guitar, lockdown - Freeform, mentions of:, omg they were roomates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andithiel/pseuds/Andithiel
Summary: Harry Potter and his flatmate Draco are both straight as nails. But during a lockdown, things start to get a little desperate, and suddenly they’re giving each other friendly handjobs and blowjobs on the regular. But that’s okay. That’s just what friends do. Right?A story about two oblivious idiots, told through the diary of Harry James Potter.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 45
Kudos: 262





	This feeling inside

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this reddit thread](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ib5687/my_roommate_25m_and_i_25m_are_weird_around_each/?fbclid=IwAR235d2AMnqCg_1ivFZXuughMzmC0PxvimlrwvS9H3lsnvO-f3Q7NW0BPiY).
> 
> A million thanks to [Etalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etalice/pseuds/Etalice) for encouraging me (as always) when I was doubting myself (as always), and [Kristinabird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristinabird/pseuds/Kristinabird) for wrangling my language into something understandable, as well as the very kind words sent my way. I love you both so much ❤️❤️❤️

##### 22 September, 2005

##### Day 12 of lockdown

Dear Diary,

Is that how you’re supposed to start? I feel really silly writing that. Maybe not.

Right. So, I… don’t really know what to say. Or write. I’ve never kept a journal. This was all Hermione’s suggestion, to help me keep the days apart during this Ministry mandated lockdown because of the Crup Flu magidemic. I don’t know, maybe it’s a good idea, all the days are starting to blend together, so. I think this is… day 12 of lockdown. Maybe I should add that to the top? Right okay I did that. Good. Great.

Okay, so where to start? I guess I could say something about my day. But I guess that’s the problem, isn’t it? Every day looks the same. The only change lately is that I started a fitness challenge yesterday with Ron. We’re doing ten push ups, ten squats and ten crunches a day for a week, and then we’ll increase it with ten more every week. So far it’s agony (not to mention extremely boring) and my muscles are aching, but it’s fine, it’s going to get better.

Today I did the exercises after breakfast, because I thought I’d be alone. But of course Draco managed to leave his room just as I was doing the final squats. He stared at me for a full minute, asked me “what in the ever living fuck” I was doing, and then accused me of disturbing his morning with my loud grunting. I would’ve kicked him if my leg wasn’t so sore. I know that wouldn’t be the best thing to do to the flatmate that you’re stuck with for an unforeseeable future, but at that moment I didn’t really care.

The rest of the day we just hung around and watched Muggle telly (thank goodness we have Muggle telly!) and goofed around. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Do I sign off? How does one do this?

Bye, I guess?

* * *

##### 23 September, 2005

##### Day 13 of lockdown

##### 

Dear Diary,

Yeah, no, I can’t write that. I feel like I’m a lovesick thirteen year old girl. Sorry, diary, the greeting has to go. Maybe I could call you something instead? Or I guess I’m writing to myself, so maybe no greeting is needed? I should’ve asked Hermione how one does this.

What’s new for today?

I noticed there are a lot of spots on my ceiling. I haven’t counted them yet though, but I’m trying to find some patterns in them. So far I’ve seen a cauldron, a dragon and Crookshanks. Draco told me I’m going insane when I showed him. Bet he’s just jealous he doesn’t have spots on his ceiling.

I took a walk with Ron and Hermione on my hour spent outside, and Ron mentioned the time in school when Hermione used to knit a lot of hats for the house elves. We didn’t go into that in depth because it’s still a touchy subject for Hermione, but it made me think that maybe I should take up knitting? Only to have something to do.

Draco would laugh until he cried if I suggested that. 

Maybe I’ll do that just to mess with him.

* * *

##### 24 September, 2005

##### 

##### Day 14 of lockdown

I know I have a lot of things I could take care of, like organising my wardrobe, or fixing that broken cabinet door in the kitchen, or sort through my photographs, but… I don’t feel like it. I assumed that having this massive amount of time I’d actually get things done, but it’s just making me ~~numb~~ lazy.

I told Draco about the knitting idea and he laughed so much he fell off the sofa. Totally worth it. 

I’m thinking about learning to play the guitar instead, I’ve always wanted to know how to do that. Maybe it’ll help me attract girls once we’re out of this mess. I mean, sure, I have girls trailing after me all the time, but it’s getting old that they just want to get into my pants because of the whole Defeated the Dark Lord seven years ago. It’d be a nice change if they wanted to get into my pants for my awesome guitar playing skills.

* * *

##### 25 September, 2005

##### Day 15 of lockdown

Made some brownies today. Draco had five while complaining loudly that I’ll ruin his physique if I’m going to keep this up, though he refuses to join the fitness challenge. Not that he has anything to worry about, he’s as slim as ever.

Even if he annoys the hell out of me most of the time, at least he’s great company. I never thought I’d be friends with Draco (who would have?!), but I’m really grateful to have him around and that we get along so well together now that he’s not a racist git. I mean he’s still a git, but at least he’s not racist. We’ve had a lot of talks about our past since we became flatmates a year ago, and we’ve talked about it more lately, when we’ve had trouble sleeping and such. 

I know Draco has had more trouble sleeping lately. I think this being forced to stay inside triggers memories from when he used to have Voldemort in his home, even if it’s not the same now at all.

Tonight for instance, I found him in the kitchen, slumped over the table with a cup of warm milk still clutched in his hand. I didn’t want to wake him so I had to carefully carry him back to his room. I didn’t levitate him because if he’d woken up I think it would’ve reminded him of _Levicorpus_ being used on Muggles and other victims during the war and it would’ve scared him. But I managed to make him a bit lighter so I didn’t sprain myself. (Good thing I have magic now, I distinctly remember dragging Dudley home after that dementor attack before fifth year, I had a sore back for weeks after that!)

I have to say it feels a bit weird to write into the void, but I’m getting used to it. It’s also comforting in a way I guess, to write to no one in particular. So once again, Hermione was right. I’ll never tell her though, she doesn’t need to get more smug than she already is.

But really, I realise I should’ve done this sooner. The time leading up to this quarantine has been very strange, and a bit stressful with all the uncertainty. And writing is a great way to sort out my thoughts and stuff. Imagine if I had done this during the war. It would’ve been impossible though, because of safety, should anyone find my dairy and see the things Ron, Hermione and I got up to. And also, I wasn’t the most mature human being at the time and would’ve probably considered it to be “too girly”. Well, past-Harry, there’s nothing wrong with things for girls, or things that girls like for that matter (actually, as long as people do what makes them happy anyone can do what they want. The concept of things being for girls and boys only is a bit ridiculous. Like keeping a diary).

In a way it’s been a lot calmer now that we’re huddled inside avoiding exposure to the disease, even if it gets tedious and I sometimes want to scream from boredom. 

I know Draco misses his mum, and I miss my friends of course, but at least I owl them often and set up appointments to go for walks with them when I get too lonesome. It’s a relief that we at least are allowed to be outside to exercise for an hour every day, or I think I would’ve lost my mind entirely. Sure, it feels a bit iffy with the magical track that makes sure you’re apparated home when the hour is up, but I guess some things you just have to put up with. Especially when some people aren’t following the guidelines and try to expand their time spent outside. As if nobody else wants to do that as well.

* * *

##### 26 September, 2005

##### Day 16 of lockdown

I started strumming the guitar today and it took Draco ten seconds to stand in my doorway, asking me if I was about to learn how to play Wonderwall. He said it like it was a bad thing. Also, how does he even know that song? When I asked him he just rolled his eyes and muttered something about Blaise Zabini learning to play it in sixth year to get girls.

I told him that if my first efforts at learning to play were so awful, maybe he could do it better. And of course he already knew how to play, because why the hell not? He played an old traditional wizarding song, some sort of ballad about a maiden who was so beautiful she was pestered by all the men in the village and had to take refuge in the woods. Eventually her parents sent another girl to her to chaperone, and to help with householding and such. And in the end they realised they had fallen in love with each other, and they lived happily ever after in the woods. 

It was so beautiful, and even though it had a happy ending the tune was a bit sad and I could somehow _hear_ their longing for each other as Draco sang, like, the longing was in his voice in some way. I can’t really explain it. I never knew he could sing like that, or at all, really. I guess there’s something new to learn about a person everyday, even when you think you know all there is to know about them.

* * *

##### 27 September, 2005

##### Day 17 of lockdown

I wrote a song instead. Or, well, maybe “wrote a song” is making it sound like more than it really is. It was more like, strumming various chords (out of the three I’ve learned) and coming up with words as I was playing. I think it went a bit like

> Stay awayyy  
>  Stay away from the crups  
>  They’ll give you the… hiccups (or worse)  
>  Stay insideee  
>  Stay inside so the virus can  
>  dieeeee

And of course that’s when Draco came by my room and overheard me. He made that “oh no Harry is finally losing it”-face, and it looked like he had to struggle to not laugh right in my face. Needless to say he didn’t seem to think it was that brilliant (neither did I but of course I’d never tell him that), and he pointed out that if I want to impress girls maybe I should write something more “significant” (what's _more_ significant than a message for people to stay at home and keep distance?!). I flipped him off but he just snorted at me and turned away. I think he muttered something like “Honestly, Potter, how big can your head get?”

Git. 

* * *

##### 28 September, 2005

##### Day 18 of lockdown

I had to do an interview today. Fuck I hate being this person. I know that if I say something it’ll give people comfort, somehow. But I just want to be regular Harry, going about my business by myself, unnoticed, without the press or admirers hounding me. 

At least Draco helped me with answering questions. He was sitting out of sight, just to the side of the fireplace, and he kept writing good answers for me and making the words float in front of him, so it didn’t look weird that I was looking to the side. I always become either a mumbling mess or too hostile when I’m giving interviews, but thanks to his upbringing, his work at the Ministry with Muggle-Wizarding relations, as well as his charitable work for war orphans, Draco knows more about the politics of things like these. 

When we were in school, he probably would’ve thought I loved this kind of attention, but since we became flatmates he’s learned to read me better I think, and he was actually the one who offered to help me with the interviews and official statements a few months ago.

I can’t stress enough how lucky I am to have him as a friend now. It still feels a bit strange that my former school nemesis (oh come on, past Harry, what eleven year old boy has a _nemesis_ (not to mention that he wasn’t even the one trying to kill me), stop being so dramatic) has become one of my best friends, but I guess that’s what happens when you’ve lived through a war. 

I think it was the nightmares that brought us together. Sometimes we’d find ourselves in the kitchen at the same time, drinking tea to soothe our nerves after a particularly bad dream. We never mentioned it, because it wasn’t needed, we just… _knew_. And it was so freeing to have someone I didn’t have to explain everything to. I mean sure, Ginny could understand well enough when we were together, but compared to Draco and I she was so protected during the war, she didn’t _live_ it for a prolonged time the same way we did. 

Draco mentioned at one of those midnight tea parties of ours that it was the same way with Astoria. I don’t think that’s why they broke up (same as it wasn’t the reason Ginny and I broke up), but it was wearing on him that she knew some of it but couldn’t _feel_ it.

Anyway, after the interview (that went smoothly all thanks to Draco) I started a sourdough base. I’ve looked up how to do it the proper way and bought special flour to get the best results. Draco laughed at me. Bet he won’t laugh when I have delicious bread and he doesn’t.

Oh who am I trying to fool, I’ll let him have some anyway. If only to keep him from nagging me about having a taste. He can be so fucking persistent.

* * *

##### 29 September, 2005

##### Day 19 of lockdown

Draco started a book club with Astoria this week, and they’ll be discussing the books through fire calls. He asked me if I wanted to join them, but I couldn’t even get past the first few paragraphs. I’m not really an avid reader during normal times, and right now my ability to focus is severely lacking.

But it’s nice that he can hang out with his ex like that, kind of like I can with Ginny. It seems like Draco and Astoria have had more interaction during this lockdown than me and Ginny though. Probably because Astoria lives alone and Ginny lives with Luna, but still.

I don’t really know what went wrong with Ginny and me. I mean, we were happy, sort of. We liked each other’s company, she always knew how to make me laugh, and the sex was great. But there was always this feeling that there was something missing, apart from the things I mentioned yesterday, and I still haven’t figured out what that was. 

Anyway, we’re better off as friends. Even if she does tease me about how I can never hold onto any girl for longer than half a year, tops. It’s not a very flattering look on her to be so smug about that she’s still the girl I’ve been together with the longest. Maybe once this disease has a cure I can start dating again and find someone nice.

* * *

##### 30 September, 2005

##### Day 20 of lockdown

Fuck I’m so horny. Even before this quarantine I was having a bit of a dry spell with women, but it’s like now that I know it’s impossible to get any action, the horniness is getting even worse. I’ve even started to touch myself without noticing. Not touch myself as in _touch myself_ , but I’ve been sort of… stroking a hand over my stomach or on my neck when I’m bored, or when my brain is occupied. 

Draco told me to stop the other day. Or to be fair, his exact words were “do you want me to leave the two of you alone?” and when I asked who this other person was he looked pointedly at my hand. It was a bit embarrassing, we were watching Baywatch (because it’s brainless and entertaining with attractive people in it) and that bloke Matt Brody was on the screen. He didn’t make any remark about me being turned on by a man, thankfully. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that I’m straight as a nail. But I guess this lockdown is getting to me in weird ways.

Anyway, to have something to do (besides absentmindedly touching myself, _Merlin,_ have some self control Harry and stop making your friends uncomfortable), I got up and started doing my daily work out. It’s week two of the fitness challenge, which means 20 each of push ups, crunches and squats. ~~It’s so insanely boring.~~ Draco kept staring at me, and when I started doing the squats he even left the room, even though the episode hadn’t ended yet. That was a bit weird, wasn’t it?

* * *

##### 1 October, 2005

##### Day 21 of lockdown

We started watching One Tree Hill. It’s pretty good, there are some hot girls in it. Which isn’t really helping with the horniness, but oh well.

Draco was wearing that tie dye t-shirt I made the other week, even though he claims to hate it. I haven’t told him he looks absolutely ridiculous in it, because I think it’s kind of nice that he’s using something I made and gave to him. (Also haven’t told him that I made it for Luna originally but that when I tried giving it to her she told me the colours would attract the wrackspurts. And anyway Draco could probably use some wrackspurts.)

* * *

##### 4 October, 2005

##### Day 24 of lockdown

Okay, so, I haven’t written anything in a few days. I’m… something happened. 

Two days ago we were watching One Tree Hill and we started talking about how hot Chad Michael Murray is, because hello, he is, anyone can see that, straight or not. (Draco didn’t agree though, he thought that James Lafferty, who plays the brother, was way hotter, which is completely wrong, but to each their own I guess.)

Anyway, then I started joking about how I’m so horny all the time that I’d even be willing to have sex with Chad Michael Murray, and gladly so because that’s how hot he is and that’s how horny I am. Draco thought I was super funny, and he said he’s also extremely horny all the time, that even yesterday when I was touching myself was distracting to him, even though he’s straight as well. 

And… and then we sort of ended up having sex. Not… not full on penetrative one’s cock up the other’s arse, but… some friendly hand jobs sort of. I don’t even know how it started, or, well if I think about it, it was that we were goofing around and I accidentally brushed my hand against his crotch, and… I could feel him through his trousers and he was hard and getting rapidly harder. And then I heard myself say “Would it be super weird if we wanked each other off?” and he shook his head vigorously, and before I knew it we had both shoved our pants and trousers down and were _touching_ each other. ~~Very enthusiastically.~~

I’ve never held another cock besides my own, but it was… exciting? It felt sort of the same but different? Also the fact that I was holding a cock, but I only felt it in my hand and not _my_ hand around my cock, that was… different. In a good way, I think. His was a bit longer than mine but mine is bigger in girth I think. 

The whole thing was actually kind of nice. I mean it’s always nice to have someone else touch you, and Draco was really good at wanking me off. It was so obvious that he knew exactly how to hold a cock, but he did the wanking a bit different than I usually do, but it was in a good way. We were a little awkward afterwards, but we managed to laugh it off and agree that it was nice, and that it was just two good straight friends helping each other out, and… that was it. Draco spelled the mess away, and we got dressed and then we watched another episode of One Tree Hill before we went to our respective rooms and went to sleep.

I kind of want to do it again, but I don’t know how Draco feels about it, if he’d even be willing to do it again, and I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like… I don’t know, without coming on too strong. Or making him think I’m attracted to him or something.

We’re just friends. And I’d like it to stay that way.

* * *

##### 5 October, 2005

##### Day 25 of lockdown

I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t know how to put it into words without sounding weird. And Draco is too valuable as a friend to complicate things with sex that won’t lead anywhere. But he did mention that he slept exceptionally well that night, and I couldn’t help but feel a little proud of that. I know he’s been having trouble sleeping lately, so it felt nice to be able to help him out with that. 

~~Maybe I could suggest that as a solution to his sleeping problems? Or would that feel like taking advantage?~~

* * *

##### 6 October, 2005

##### Day 26 of lockdown

I tried to teach Draco how to play Backgammon today, but he kept getting annoyed that I kept winning, even though I tried my hardest not to. He’s such a sore loser. He tried to blame it on the pieces not being sentient, but, yeah no, he’s just a sore loser.

Oh I forgot to write that the first sourdough base went bad so I started a new one. It’ll be ready to bake with tomorrow and I’m pretty excited about it.

* * *

##### 7 October, 2005

##### Day 27 of lockdown

I don’t know what I did wrong but the sourdough bread didn’t come out as nice as I’d thought it would. It was too flat. Draco said it tasted alright though and said that we could try slicing it up thinly and dry it in the oven to make some sort of crackers. And I guess what happened next was a very strange consequence of him trying to make me feel better, but somehow we ended up giving each other hand jobs again.

I don’t really know why I reacted so strongly to that failed bread, but I just felt like a deflated balloon, like all air went out of me because of that stupid sourdough. And one second Draco was patting my back in a mix of pitying and comforting, and as I turned to him he gave me this awkward hug (I already know Draco isn’t the most natural hugger due to his strict upbringing) and when I accidentally angled my hips towards him I could feel that his cock was stirring. Or maybe I was imagining it? Either way, I started rubbing myself against him. (Oh god, that makes me sound like I was dry humping him like a dog, I really wasn’t, honestly. I was just moving slightly against him and he gasped and we both started sort of rutting against each other and suddenly my hand was inside his pants and he was unbuttoning my jeans and we did it right there in the kitchen.)

It was a bit awkward again after, but then he chuckled and told me it was nice and that maybe we could do it again sometime, what would the harm be? And I agreed, because we’re both single, we’re both horny, and we both know that this won’t lead anywhere because we’re both straight, but why not give a friend a helping hand? (Pun definitely intended.)

Maybe this could even put a silver lining to this lockdown?

* * *

##### 8 October, 2005

##### Day 28 of lockdown

Draco has his book club with Astoria right now and he asked me to stay in my room so I wouldn’t be in the way. I don’t know what he thinks I’ll do, ruin their intellectual conversation by talking about sports? 

He talks a lot with Astoria now. It’s fucking annoying. I mean, Astoria is great. She’s funny and beautiful and witty and she has a pleasant voice. I don’t know why they broke up, she seems amazing.

I wonder if they’re getting back together. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe _I_ want Astoria. I just know that every time Draco talks about her, or with her, I get super irritated and want to change the subject so as not to be reminded about how awesome she is. 

And right now I want to go into the living room and bring up the weather or something else stupid just to annoy them.

* * *

##### 11 October, 2005

##### Day 31 of lockdown

The other day I sucked him off. Just like that. We were talking about everything and nothing and I might’ve been a little bit drunk, but I told him that I’ve thought of what it would be like to give someone a blow job. And he said “Well if you ever get too curious I’m right here.” I mean it was obviously a joke, so I joked back, something like if he wasn’t afraid I’d accidentally bite him. And he said “Scared, Potter?” and I said “You wish”, and then I just pulled his pants down and pressed my lips to his cock. It was… shit… he went from half hard to full erection in _seconds_. I could actually _see_ it grow bigger and bigger and it was another thing entirely, seeing it up close than watching it from above, like I do when I look down at myself. And then I just… stuck my tongue out and started licking his cock. 

It feels really strange writing this, _I started licking Draco’s cock_ , from the base and slowly up to the tip. I mean I’ve never done it before so I tried to do it like I like someone doing it on me, and then I tried to just… follow Draco’s reactions and do the things he seemed most enthusiastic about (which was honestly almost everything I did).

The first time I took it in my mouth I got a little too eager and I gagged a little, but I noticed that if I did it with a little more patience I could fit more and more of him inside me. But it was hard to go slow, because Draco kept making all these amazing sounds, and I wanted to go faster to make him sound like that even more, because _fuck_ , that was so arousing. Draco’s always so posh and collected, it felt so rewarding that _I_ made him make those sounds, that _I_ managed to push him out of balance.

He even grabbed my hair, which stung a bit, but I liked it, I think. Or I wouldn’t mind if he did it again, or if he did it harder, or if he used it to hold me still and fuck into my mouth.

Shit, I’m getting hard just thinking about this. I should stop. I can’t even say how it felt to have _him_ suck me off because I think I’ll come again just from the memory of it.

* * *

##### 14 October, 2005

##### Day 34 of lockdown

Finally! I managed to bake with the sourdough! It came out great and I might have done a little happy dance in the kitchen. Draco rolled his eyes at me of course, but then he had a taste and I think it was out of sheer surprise that he admitted it was “actually edible”. Git. I’m going to try it with the marmalade I made a few weeks ago.

* * *

##### 15 October, 2005

##### Day 35 of lockdown

I started looking through my photographs today but I almost fell asleep just thinking about sorting through them. Anyway, this lockdown seems to be going on for quite some time so I’ll have the opportunity later.

Shit, I’m so bored. I wonder what Draco is up to.

* * *

##### 15 October, 2005 (later)

I suggested we try Backgammon again but Draco just sniffed and told me it was an uncouth form of socialising, and then went back to reading his latest book for _Astoria and Draco’s Very Sophisticated Book Club._

First I thought I’d flip him off, but then I said that it was too bad he thought so, because I was thinking that the winner would get a blow job, to help with motivation. And suddenly he was very interested in playing.

(I lost.) ~~On purpose.)~~

* * *

##### 20 October, 2005

##### Day 40 of lockdown

I think I’m getting the hang of this guitar playing thing. I’ve almost learned an entire song (that I didn’t write myself). I played it for Draco, and I think he liked it, even though he’d never admit something like that. But I noticed that when I sang,

> Well there's a thousand things I shouldn't do  
>  But if I do them I should do them with you  
>  So won't you fall into my arms again  
>  And hold me for the world may end

He startled a bit, like he was surprised I could sing at all, and he gave me this long look. I don’t really know, I couldn’t see very well since I was concentrating on getting the chords right, but I think he liked it. At least he didn’t say anything snippy when I was finished, so I’ll take that as one point.

I asked him if he wanted to sing that song he played me that one time, or maybe something else, but he just mumbled something about the book club and left. 

~~Stupid fucking book club.~~

* * *

##### 22 October, 2005

##### Day 42 of lockdown

Okay, I don’t really know what’s going on right now. With Draco I mean. This… sex thing we do has become sort of normal now? Or, well, we do it from time to time and… it’s always so good. It feels amazing. Strange but amazing. Sometimes I think it’s the best sex I’ve ever had because it’s like Draco knows what I want, but I guess that’s just because we know each other so well by now. I don’t know. I’m really confused and I don’t know what we’re doing. I mean we’re both straight, but every time we have sex it’s like… it’s exhillarating in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. If ever. Whenever I’m in my room I think about sucking him off, or him doing it to me, and I get so unbelievably hard that I have to work myself off to relieve the pressure.

Last time we were doing it, he grabbed both of our cocks in one hand, and then he spelled some lube on them, and he wanked us both off at the same time. It was… like everything else we’ve done it felt so good. But that must be because it’s so new. I mean, I’ve never felt an erection against my own, the feeling of it was so… it was so smooth. I couldn’t look away, the way his hand was pumping us, and the way his cock twitched beside mine, it was mesmerising, and I just wanted _more_. My hips started bucking against him of their own accord, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck and I moaned so loudly I was practically screaming. It was embarrassing, except that it wasn’t, or I didn’t care, because it felt so _fucking_ good.

It’s so strange that I can’t stop thinking about ~~the way he sighed _Harry_ as he came~~ it.

* * *

##### 25 October, 2005

##### Day 45 of lockdown

I just walked into the kitchen and Draco was standing by the sink and I got this urge, so strong that it felt like being under the Imperius curse, to go up to him and put my arms around him and kiss him on the neck. But that must be because I’m a bit touch starved, right? I mean even before this quarantine I’ve been single for a while, because no one ever feels right for me. I need someone who will treat me like an equal, and not put me on a pedestal. I need someone to challenge me, kind of like Ginny did. 

~~Kind of like Draco does.~~

~~If only Draco was a girl.~~

Shit I need to get laid.

* * *

##### 26 October, 2005

##### Day 46 of lockdown

Right, so you can call me a hopeless plonker because today I almost set fire to the kitchen. It’s embarrassing, really, but I was baking and cooking at the same time, and of course I forgot to put on a timer for the cookies. I didn’t really notice the smell, or realise what it was, before it was too late. But it wasn't the cookies that caught on fire. No, I managed to put my oven mitt on the stove and _that_ caught on fire surprisingly well. I sort of panicked and just wanted to get rid of it so I threw it away and of course it landed on the kitchen table. Which wouldn’t be so terrible in itself, if it weren’t for the stack of newspapers that it landed on. So, well it was a disaster, really. I got so frantic I forgot the _aguamenti_ spell and then the flames got bigger and began to spread and I guess I must’ve screamed or something, I can’t remember, but suddenly Draco was there. And I know he still has a problem with fire, but luckily, he managed to keep his cool (which is so impressive, I don’t know how he did that) and he put it out.

I had burned myself pretty badly on the oven mitts, but he took care of that as well. I don’t know where he learned those healing spells, he’s probably known them since he was a child, but he cast them on me and my hand got really warm, in a nice way. It was like his magic was wrapping around me and soothing the pain, more than the actual spell, it was like it was _him_. I felt like he could’ve cast a _rictusempra_ and it would’ve felt just as good. I don’t know how else to explain it, I just know that it felt better than when Hermione has done the same spells on me, and everyone knows how great she is with her spellwork. But when Draco stroked my hand I swear I felt the burn subside even more.

Anyway, Draco cleaned up the mess I had made and I managed to finish making the food, so we got to have lunch, even though the prospects of it seemed doomed there for a while.

* * *

##### 27 October, 2005

##### Day 47 of lockdown

I am so fucking sick of this fucking book club and the constant talking about fucking Astoria. It’s always _Astoria this_ , and _Astoria that_ , _Astoria thinks_ and _Astoria told me_. I wish he’d stop talking about her all the damn time, I don’t need to be reminded of how amazing she is ~~and how much he likes her~~ , I already know that! But I also want to be a good and supportive friend so I guess I’ll just have to put up with it.

(Starting now. Because I might have said something snippy about her during the latest _Astoria Appreciation Ramble_.)

* * *

##### 29 October, 2005

##### Day 49 of lockdown

I don’t know what’s going on. I think Draco is avoiding me and I don’t know why. This morning when I came into the kitchen to make us breakfast, he was already there, putting his dishes away. I mean it was nice that he made me breakfast as well since it’s usually me who does all the cooking, but instead of sitting with me while I ate it, he went to his room to read or something. 

And this has continued throughout the day. When I suggested we watch One Tree Hill, he said he didn’t feel like it, and he went to clean the bathroom. He only cleans the bathroom when he’s upset about something. Which is, well it’s not surprising considering the times we live in, with an extremely contagious disease wreaking havoc, and people dying throughout the wizarding world from an enemy we don’t know how to fight. I just wish he’d talk to me about it, we _are_ friends after all. I ~~hope~~ think.

Maybe he’s upset with me? I bet he wishes he could escape this flat to go see Astoria in person or something (I mean more than what he’s obviously seeing of her when he gets outside to spend his free hour), because I can’t think what I did to make him upset with me. Or maybe he thinks (realised) that my snippy remark about her is because I might be interested in her as well?

* * *

##### 30 October, 2005

##### Day 50 of lockdown

~~Maybe it was because of the cuddles?~~

* * *

Okay, so about the cuddles. I didn’t mention them before because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but the more I think about it, the more I realise Draco has been acting weird ever since. Even his talking about Astoria has increased since then. I guess I’ll write it down to sort through my mind.

So the other day (the day I almost set our kitchen on fire) Draco was in his room, lying on his bed reading, and I came to tell him thank you for saving me today. So, I sat down on the bed, and I was still a bit shaky after that whole crazy experience so eventually I lay down beside him, and his arm was outstretched so I put my head on his arm, and we sort of… cuddled? As in, I even took off my glasses. I think I let my hand slip in underneath his shirt as well, not consciously, but it did, and he didn’t say anything about it. He was raking his hand through my hair and it felt so nice, and I snuggled in closer, because it was all so soothing and I was so comfortable. I could hear his heartbeat, feel it against my cheek, and when I tilted my head up a bit his lips brushed my forehead, and it felt so nice, like… like that’s what we’re supposed to do. 

I told him I was so grateful he’s always around to help me, and he said “You know I’d do anything for you, don’t you Harry?” He sounded so sincere, but also nervous, so I sort of got up on one arm ~~because~~ ~~I wanted~~ ~~I needed~~ to look at him, and suddenly I got this _extremely_ strong urge to kiss him, as in, I could _feel_ it in my entire body, it was like my lips were missing his lips. 

And that’s when I think we both realised what we were doing because I tensed up, and so did he, and I might have sort of panicked a bit. I told him I had to make dinner and quickly went out into the kitchen (even made some lame joke about how I wouldn’t set the kitchen on fire this time). And when it was time to eat he said he wanted to do it in his room, and then he disappeared in there for the rest of the night. 

Shit, what if he noticed what I was thinking? It doesn’t even make sense that I’d want to kiss him because I’m straight, and so is he. I mean the sex is one thing, we’re both pretty desperate because of the lockdown and lack of other options. But kissing? Cuddling? I don’t know, it feels like that’s crossing some kind of line.

Isn’t it?

* * *

##### 31 October, 2005

##### Day 51 of lockdown

Draco’s definitely avoiding me. And when he’s not, he’s acting really weird. Like, he’s fidgety and he won’t look at me when he’s talking to me, but I get the feeling that he’s watching me when he thinks I don’t notice.

I have to talk to him. Which should go pretty well, I mean I _am_ famously good at talking to people about feelings.

Oh _fuck_ , I’m so screwed.

* * *

##### 1 November, 2005

##### Day 52 of lockdown

Sorted out my wardrobe today and organised it. I’m thinking about giving some of the clothes to the war orphans charity shop. 

The fitness challenge is up to 60 reps of each motion, and I did 10 more just because. 

So, all in all a productive day.

I was planning on talking to Draco, but the opportunity just never showed. So. I guess there’s a new day tomorrow.

* * *

##### 2 November, 2005

##### Day 53 of lockdown

Fixed that broken door to the kitchen cabinet. And I started sorting through my photos to put in an album.

Still haven’t talked to him. Partly because I’m nervous about it, but mostly because I barely even see him. He’s been out of his room once today, to have his book club with Astoria, and he gave me a very pointed look that told me to keep out of his way, so I did. Went out for a run, and when I came back he was in his room again.

~~Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck~~

* * *

##### 3 November, 2005

##### Day 54 of lockdown

I finally summoned up the courage to talk to Draco. I managed to corner him in the kitchen when he was getting lunch, and I flat out asked him what’s wrong. He said nothing’s wrong, which is so not true. I told him that I may be oblivious, but that I’ve noticed that he’s avoiding me and acting strangely. So after some pressure he said he didn’t know why, but he’s feeling nervous around me now. I asked him if it was because of the sex thing, but he said he didn’t think so, because he liked it (I mean, he must be as desperately horny as me during the quarantine so that’s probably why he likes it). 

Shit, I hope he didn’t think the cuddling was something that it wasn’t. Like, I hope he doesn’t think that _I_ think that it was something more than just friendly touching. I mean I know he’s straight. And I know he’s probably going to get back with Astoria once we’re clear to go outside freely again. 

If I’m honest, just thinking about that, Draco getting together back with Astoria, makes me kind of jealous. Only because I don’t have anyone waiting for me like he has. Sure, there are probably hoards of girls wanting to be with me, but only because of what I did and not… not for _me_. I mean I’m happy for Draco, of course I am, he deserves to be with someone, and if that someone is as awesome as Astoria, even better.

I just don’t know where that leaves me.

* * *

##### 5 November, 2005

##### Day 56 of lockdown

I don’t know what to do to fix this thing with Draco. He’s still acting weird around me, and I think I’m acting weird around him too. We haven’t even had sex for about a week now because things have been so awkward, and while I kind of miss that, I know I can live without it, if I could just be with Draco like we were before. I miss him. Or what we had, how he used to be around me. I can’t believe I let sex come between me and a friend, and never in my life would I have thought that I’d let it happen with a male friend.

I just, I get so sad thinking about how I’ll lose him, we’ve become really close lately and I honestly feel that he’s the only one who truly knows me, and… we just… fit? Or we used to. I don’t know anymore. And I don’t know if I can talk to him about this. Or _how_ I can talk to him about this.

* * *

##### 6 November, 2005

##### Day 57 of lockdown

I decided to owl Hermione and she agreed to meet with me and take a walk and talk about things. I hope she can help me sort this out.

* * *

#####  6 November, 2005 (later)

Well I told Hermione everything. About the sex (not in detail of course) and about the awkwardness between us and how Draco says he’s nervous around me and how I kind of want to kiss him but I’m also jealous of his relationship with Astoria. And she just sighed and gave me that “oh, Harry”-look. She might even have said “oh, Harry”, I don’t really remember. I do remember though that she told me I’m an idiot and that I’ve been in love, or at least attracted to Draco, for years now. She didn’t outright tell me, but I got the feeling that she’s been waiting for this to happen.

And, well I feel really stupid now. When she told me that I’m probably at least bisexual, and probably always have been, so many things fell into place, and when I look back at them now I’m shaking my head at how stupid I was. It started with her reminding me of Cedric, and how Draco and I used to ~~stalk~~ fight each other at school (and that got me thinking about how I used to think about Sirius, though I’ve never told her that).

But okay, back to Draco. Like I said, Hermione said I’ve had a thing for him for ages, and we both agreed that whatever those feelings were, I’m now probably (most definitely) in love with him. Hermione even thinks he might be in love with me as well, based on his behaviour (and she mentioned something about how he acted at school too), but I’m not so sure. 

~~Or I guess I don’t dare to hope that he feels the same way.~~

* * *

##### 7 November, 2005

##### Day 58 of lockdown

This is so much worse than before. Now that I’m aware of my feeling towards Draco I _definitely_ don’t know how to act around him. He’s started to come out of his room more, and even if he doesn't really seek me out, now we’re spending more time together again. I’m so afraid I’ll blurt out something really stupid and to avoid that I keep entirely quiet. I know he notices because I’ve seen him glancing at me more and more, looking like he’s trying to read my mind.

Shit, what if he uses _Legilimens_? I need to avoid making eye contact with him.

So, I know I have to talk to him about it and tell him how I feel. And if he wants to move out or wants me to do it, I guess that’s how it needs to be then, once we’re able to do that, but at least I need to come clean and explain why this is happening.

I’m not sure how though. Fuck, I wish someone else could do this for me.

* * *

##### 8 November, 2005

##### Day 59 of lockdown

I actually started knitting. Mostly to keep my hands from fidgeting out of nervousness, but also because I was hoping that if Draco saw it he’d laugh at me and we could start from there. But he’s still keeping to his room a lot of the time.

* * *

##### 8 November, 2005 (later)

I’ve decided to cook him his favourite meal and tell him over dinner. That way, if he gets angry with me, at least we’ll have something nice to eat.

Shit, I’m so nervous. I can’t do it today because I sent an order out by owl for home delivery. But tomorrow maybe.

Shit.

* * *

##### 14 November, 2005

##### Day 65 of lockdown

So, it’s been a few days since I wrote. I’ve been… busy, sort of. I can hardly write this without grinning like a loon, but I’ll try to describe it from the beginning.

So I was cooking us dinner, and Draco came into the kitchen because he recognised the smell. And of course, Draco being Draco, he said “What did you do?” because _of course_ I’d had to have done something wrong or stupid for wanting to make his favourite food (not entirely wrong though). So, I told him. I told him how I’ve noticed that I’ve wanted to kiss him for quite some time now, and how I’m pretty positive that I’m not as straight as I thought I was, and that I can’t stop thinking about him because I’m most probably definitely in love with him. 

I was shaking so much, and I could barely look at him while I spoke to him (I’m also surprised he even heard what I was saying because I was talking super fast and super quiet). But when I finally did look at him, his cheeks had gone pink (shit I love it when he goes pink, he looks so adorable) and he kept staring at the table. But then he looked up at me, and he smiled so brightly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile like that ever the entire time I’ve known him. And he was sort of biting his lip a bit and he came up to me and he whispered that he’s in love with me too. And then he kissed me. Or rather, he leaned in, and we were both so giddy that we started giggling, so we kind of paused, but then he put a hand on my chest and angled his head and I swear I almost fainted, I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone so badly. 

So we kissed and we laughed and we kissed some more and laughed at the same time, and thankfully, somehow I got the presence of mind to turn off the stove which was lucky because the food would’ve burned when Draco backed me up against the sink and then he _really_ started kissing me. I just… I’ve never seen him so intense about anything before, it was like he was devouring me. And he grabbed my hair (like he did that first time I had my mouth on him) and used it to keep me in place and I… well I really _really_ liked that. 

We got around to dinner at some point, but it was very _very_ late by the time we made it into the kitchen again.

But, yeah, he’s my boyfriend now, we’re together, and I can’t honestly remember being this happy before. I keep laughing all the time, because like I said a month or so ago, he’s still a prick, but he’s a damn funny and adorable one. I’m honestly a little nervous about how things will work out between us when we get to move freely outside again, but I think it’ll be fine since we’ve known each other for so long. We’re trying to take things slow, but it’s hard (no pun intended) to have him around all the time and being able to do all the things I want to do with him. (Mostly kissing. Draco is a really good kisser, and every time we try to watch the telly we end up snogging on the sofa (and sometimes more _naughty_ things happen), and then we realise hours later that it’s super late and we ought to go to bed.)

(Also apparently he and Astoria weren’t about to get back together, he was talking to her so much because he needed to talk to someone about me. Go figure. I was jealous of someone without reason to be.)

So, I probably won’t be writing as much now, because I’m a bit occupied at the moment, and I don’t really mind right now if every day looks the same, because as long as it involves being with Draco, I think I’m okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are lovely ❤️
> 
> I'm also [on tumblr](https://andithiel.tumblr.com//)! Come say hi!


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